


Never Let Them Go

by Libelli



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, Birth, Catholic Steve Rogers, Child Death, Child Loss, Established Relationship, F/M, Female Steve Rogers, Gender or Sex Swap, Genderbending, Genderswap, Heavy Angst, Kinda, Miscarriage, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:42:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23464138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Libelli/pseuds/Libelli
Summary: “How much longer?” Bucky sighed“Three months?” Steph mused.“That’s too long.”“Don’t rush it.” Steph answered.“Yeah, I know.”Bucky grew quiet and kissed the back of Steph’s shoulder. Steph was fighting hard not to nod off. She hadn’t been feeling well that day, and maybe sleep would fix it."I just want this one to be healthy.” Steph whispered.Bucky and Steph are eagerly and anxiously waiting for the arrival of their child, but the baby is born too early.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 5
Kudos: 65





	Never Let Them Go

**Author's Note:**

> Had this saved as a chapter of an unfinished larger work for two years, and this part always stuck with me so now its here.

“What do you think it’ll be?” Steph asked. She looked at Bucky through his reflection in her mirror. 

Bucky leaned back on the pillows of their bed, folded his arms across his chest, and shot Steph a thoughtful look. “A girl.” he decided. 

Steph’s eyebrows shot up. “Really?” 

“Oh, definitely.” Bucky said. “Why, what do you think?”

Steph smoothed out the front of her nightgown, her little bump was just beginning to show, but with the dress pulled tight by Steph’s hands, she could clearly see she was pregnant. Steph smiled. 

“I don’t know,” she said, “A boy? Maybe?”

Bucky slid to lie down on their bed. “Well, whichever one we get, I’ll be happy.” 

Steph switched out the light and crawled in next to her husband. “Me too.” she said. 

Bucky shifted so that he was wrapped around Steph. He placed his arms around her middle, and rubbed circles into her stomach with his thumb. 

There was a sharp, lightning movement inside of Steph’s stomach. Steph took in a breath, and tried to settle into a new position. 

“Moving?” Bucky mumbled.

“Yeah, you woke him up, jerk” 

They were quiet for a moment as Steph adjusted. A pause hung over them in the dark. 

“How much longer?” Bucky sighed 

“Three months?” Steph mused. 

“ _ That’s too long _ .” 

“Don’t rush it.” Steph answered. 

“Yeah, I know.” 

Bucky grew quiet and kissed the back of Steph’s shoulder. Steph was fighting hard not to nod off. She hadn’t been feeling well that day, and maybe sleep would fix it. 

“ _ I just want this one to be healthy _ .” Steph whispered. 

“I know.” Bucky said. “It’ll be okay.”

* * *

Steph had been feeling sick for the past few days. There was pressure in her abdomen and she felt on edge. 

“You’re probably just tired.” Bucky said as he got ready for work. 

Steph was still curled up in bed. All she wanted to do was  _ not move _ . “Not as tired as I’ll be when I have two Barneses to look after.” she mumbled.

Bucky laughed and bent down and kissed Steph on the forehead. “Rest up, punk.” 

He was halfway out of the apartment when Steph found the strength to say ‘jerk’ into her pillow. 

Steph stayed in bed until well past noon. She had faded in and out of sleep, but each time she woke up there would be a new ache. Now, at almost evening, Steph was hurting down to her knees. Something wasn’t right. She sat on the edge of her and Bucky’s bed, hand over where she felt the baby kicking, low in her gut. 

She heard the front door open. “Steph?” Bucky called. 

“In here.” she answered. 

Bucky walked into their room. His smile fell when he saw Steph. “You okay?” he asked. Steph nodded. “Okay...I’ll start dinner.” Bucky said, unsure of Steph’s answer. 

He disappeared around the corner. Steph’s hand shifted as the baby moved.  _ What’re you doing? _ Steph thought.

Then she felt it. A strong cramp, above the ache and the discomfort. It subsided.  _ No _ . Steph thought. She leaned back in their bed and tried to keep her breathing steady, and above the panic rising inside of her.

Bucky tried to talk to her from the kitchen, but Steph was only half paying attention and half answering him. Steph had not felt a cramp in a while. Maybe it was just once. Maybe she wasn’t actually- 

Another cramp shot through her and pain, fear, and panic seized her. 

“ _ Bucky _ !”

Steph heard him sprint to their room just over her own heartbeat in her ears. Bucky burst into the room. 

“ _ What is it _ ?”

Steph looked down at her stomach. “I think I need to go to the hospital.” 

The color drained from Bucky’s face. He nodded and helped Steph stand. She didn’t need it, but she was too numb to do so otherwise.

* * *

When Steph woke up, she stared at the sterile, white room in confusion. Everything hurt. It felt like someone had rearranged her guts and not put everything back. Steph blinked. It was dark out, but there was one light on in the room. Steph tried to sit up, but the second she moved, she was lightheaded and her vision swam. 

She tried to recall what had happened. Alarmed nurses. Doctors shaking their heads. A mask over her mouth. Bucky’s hand holding hers. Now...this. The bed sheets were too thick and Steph’s gown was far too big.

“Steph…” a gentle voice said.

She turned her head and tried not to get dizzy. There was Bucky seated in a chair beside her; he looked like crap. Steph looked at what was in his arms, a small white blanket. Steph eased herself into a sitting position. 

“Is that…” but she already knew the answer. 

Bucky nodded. He was smiling. He was crying. “Born at 11:30 pm. Five ounces exactly. Eleven inches long.” he said. “And she’s beautiful.” 

Tears streaked down Steph’s face. She silently held out her arms, and Bucky shifted and placed their daughter in them. Steph smiled down at their baby. 

“Hi.” she said.

The baby was small and the bones of her face stuck out sharply. Her eyes were closed and her little chest fluttered. 

Steph kissed her daughter’ s cold forehead and smiled down at her. She was perfect. 

“I think she’s going to have dark hair.” Steph laughed. “Like you.” 

Bucky smiles through his tears. “You really think so?” 

Steph nodded and ran her fingers over her daughter, inspecting all eleven inches of her. Ten little fingers curled into lazy fists, and ten stubby toes. Spindly arms and legs- she got those from her mother. 

But she was just so tiny. Not an extra lick of baby fat on her.  _ She didn’t have enough time to eat and grow _ . Steph simply thought. 

With one arm effortlessly holding her daughter, Steph unbuttoned the front of her gown. She threw it off her shoulder and brought her daughter up, angling her so that all the baby needed to do was open her mouth. 

“Steph…” Bucky cautioned, but Steph did not answer him. 

_ I just need to feed her _ . Steph thought.  _ I just need to feed her, and she’ll grow _ . 

Steph brought her daughter in closer, pressing her leaking nipple against paper-thin lips. The baby did not take it. Maybe she just doesn’t know. 

Steph held her daughter up an so that her baby was forced to wrap her mouth around Steph’s breast. She felt nothing. No sucking, no adjusting, not even a movement of the little tongue. 

“Steph.” Bucky said, a little harder this time. 

Steph glanced over at her husband. His smile was gone and he was just crying now. Steph knew what he was trying to say, but she could not bring herself to accept it. Steph removed her daughter and started buttoning her shirt, but gave up halfway through. 

“Can you call a priest?” She whispered. 

Bucky nodded, his heart shattering. He got up and poked his head into the hallway where he caught a passing nurse, and asked for his and Steph’s request. 

“We have to name her.” Steph added when Bucky was back near her. 

“What do you want to call her?” Bucky asked. 

They spoke quietly about what to name their daughter, but the choice had been bouncing back and forth since the first time Steph became pregnant. When the hospital’s chaplain arrived, they were ready. 

“What child comes before God to be anointed?” the chaplain asked. 

“Sarah Winifred Barnes.” Bucky answered. Steph smiled when she heard her daughter’s name. 

“And who speaks for her?” 

“Her parents.”

The chaplain read out of his bible and pulled out his bottle of holy water. He approached the side of the bed. Steph turned her daughter and the chaplain marked her with the sign of the cross. Steph smiled. 

_ She’s doing so good. _

The chaplain pulled away and faced Bucky. “Would you like the last rites as well?”

“Uh…”

“ _ Yes _ .” Steph answered. “Please.”

Steph cried throughout the whole sacrement. When the chaplain was done, Bucky thanked him and watched him leave. Bucky closed the door and went back to Steph. She was still crying, but she was trying to keep it together. Steph wanted her daughter’s memories to be happy. 

“Can...can I…” Bucky asked, gesturing to the bed. 

Steph nodded and moved over. Bucky got into the bed next to her, wrapping one arm around Steph and pulling her close to him. Steph rested her head against Bucky’s chest. She could already feel little Sarah’s breathing getting shallower. 

“You’re named after your two grandmas.” Steph told their daughter. “They were amazing ladies and they took good care of me and your daddy when we were little like you. If they were here now they’d take such good care of you, but they’re waiting for you in heaven. They’ll take super good care of you up there. You’ll be spoiled rotten. You’ve got two big brothers or sisters up there, too. Please don’t get into that many fights with them.” 

“You see, Sarah, that’s what we call being a hypocrite.” Bucky said. “It’s a big word, I know, but your mom is the biggest hypocrite. She’s the biggest fighter in all of Brooklyn.”

Neither of them had the heart to laugh. They took turns talking to their daughter, telling her how much they loved her, and all the stuff they wanted to do with her. Everything they would have done for her. By the time Steph felt their daughter’s pulse slow, they were both crying again, silent dripping tears.

“That's your daddy,” Steph said, angling her baby so that if her eyes had been open she would have seen Bucky, “he held you first. He loves you so much. He knew you were going to be a girl, too. Isn’t that neat?”

Bucky smiled and rested his hand near Steph’s against the side of his daughter. 

“And I’m your mommy.” Steph whispered. She couldn’t stop the sound if her sobs from not being in her voice. “I’m your mommy, and I love you. And this isn’t fair.” Steph kissed her and Bucky’s daughter as her chest stopped moving.

Then the heartbeat stopped. 

Steph’s hands quivered, aching to feel the little vibrations again. Steph let out a strangled sound. She clutched her baby to her chest and nestled her face against her. Steph sobbed, whole cries that wracked her body. Bucky buried his face in Steph’s hair and she felt his cries. He pulled his wife and daughter close to him, in a tight hold that he would not let go of. 


End file.
